Match Report - Deardens

Editor's Note: Rounders is 90% a test of mental aptitude. The other 50% is physical.

One of our girls had a bit of an issue with last week's report. Not with quality of writing, nor the jokes, not even with the little comedic vignettes I so lovingly craft each week. No indeed, this was a case of not mentioning her "slow motion catch". Quite obviously I can't give away who it was, but suffice it to say that my suggestion of making this week a "????? Special" went down equally badly. Instead I've decided that should this girl's name appear in the report, it will be flagged up in some subtle way that only she will notice. Anyway, let's get to the game, and see how Shellybobs, the Glamour Twins, Katie and the-goddess-from-on-high-with-the-rapier-wit-and-charming-disposition Fluffy did this week.

Deardens were always going to be a tough opponent, with three wins from their first four games and, like ourselves, a surprising loss to St Mary's. With Jemski missing (presumably still knackered from last week's exploits), would Team Bring It bring it, or would there be a cup backlash? More to the point, would it ever stop raining, and why was Michelle's hair so frizzy? A vigorous warm up augured well, and there was some excellent work shown by her-throws-are-like-lightning-her-catching's-on-fire Fluffy, who was managing to juggle the ball, a fag and her attitude superbly.

But then it happened again. We simply can't bat first innings can we? Deardens were bowling particularly well, and before we knew it half the team were back on the sidelines. Thankfully Vicky had decided to bother this week, and slammed a couple of rounders. Alex commenced what was to be her best game yet with some more powerful strokeplay, and we inched towards respectability. With matters on-field not going especially well, the good Lord Byron was off on one as usual. I attempted to lighten the mood by commenting on how wet his jacket must be, given that he was sat on it on the sodden outfield. "It's waxed, Paul", he retorted angrily. All I can say is, if he waxes his coat, one simply doesn't want to enquire about his other grooming habits ... there was another super Byron moment when he commented on someone having "holey hands", but I can't divulge any more at this point.

With a moderate score under our belts, we took to the field in a right mizzle (that's light rain, not some kind of urban slang for attitude); the cup game last week finally saw us bring it with the fielding, and miraculously this continued here. Apart from not realising that Dearden's youngest player was around 4 feet high and therefore bowling it 20 feet over her head wasn't quite right, Shell was bang on with the ball, and the Trish/Jane combo were on fire - Trish in particular was determined to whizz the ball at anything that moved, though sadly not the legions of midges which were by now annoying the hell out of everyone. Queen-of-the-field-and-inspirational-leader Fluffy took another fine catch, and there was some fantastic work shown in the deep by Alex and Danielle. Byron and I had a discussion about Alex's powerful throw, and I commented that we need to find her a better nickname than Popeye, which went down less than well the other week. So I've decided that in honour of one incredibly powerful arm, as an homage to the comic book hero she'll now be known as "Hellboy" (just kidding).

At this point it's worth commenting that finally, the "Utterly Butterly" issue has been resolved - the loss of our once-great peg tub has been the source of some consternation among the higher echelons, and this week Shell finally decided to fix the problem, as recounted in this vignette ...

Back in the real world, the ref revealed that at half time the scores were 57-52 in favour of Totts, which was a proper result after the appalling way our innings started, and with our noted second innings improvements, we were in with a chance. And wow did we take it. Despite more excellent fielding and catching (in particular the backstop who took 3 great reflex catches), we really did Bring It this time. Jane, Shell and Katie got us underway in good style, though there was almost a nasty moment where Katie ran straight into second base ... and then it was over to the three real heroines of the innings. Trish was having a bit of a blinder; never in the field of human endeavour has one woman scurried to third so many times or with such unstoppable momentum. Meep Meep did her usual ridiculous stealing of two rounders, though we did notice that Danielle actually moved faster between the bases last week with her hand glued to her head - perhaps her hair grips were magnetized and she was being literally pulled across the field? Anyway, so quick did she go at one point that she nearly lapped poor Alex who was ambling to fourth. And then there was Alex. Take a bow, Ms Walton ... several rounders, great attitude and one overhead smash of the ball that Roger Federer would have been proud of.

So with an impressive second innings score in the bag, surely it was just a case of bowling well? Yes and no ... Deardens put up a good fight, but we continued to get people out at regular intervals, and there was even a flash of run out brilliance when Katie whizzed the ball miles to Sue, who ran someone out going to second base - a real highlight moment there. We did lose a couple of rounders due to some overly-aggressive attempts to run more people out, but with Trish doing superbly at backstop to keep her legs closed and her throws accurate, we finally ended the innings with Deardens around 30 points short.

Jane suggested that next week I bring a citronella candle to ward off the midges. I'm a Dr, Jane, not a bloody aromatherapist! But it was a good point. And so, with two more points secured, we wandered off to the Pav to see what treats this week's tea lady, Alli, had in store ...

It was previously suggested that catering at home games should be provided by our players on a round robin basis. Unfortunately they couldn't grasp that, and decided to take turns instead. Here at Dr P Reviews, we've decided to come up with a little featurette which will assign marks based on the fayre on offer; at the end of the season a randomly determined prize will be provided. Quite obviously no-one's ever going to top Fluffy's humous/chocolate finger combo, which will go down in catering history, but still we can aspire. First up in the kitchen was Alli Booth who announced on Monday night that she "had 8 customers so it's going to be a loooonnnngg night": it's no wonder that phlange doesn't heal! Anyway let's see how she coped in the kitchen ...

I did promise not to mention the unintentionally rude customer remark, and there was even an attempt to bribe me with a Curly Wurly, but seriously, did you really expect me to pass on comedy gold? Before next week, I urge you all to take a trip down to the flicks and take in this little offering ...

Well played, girls, another fantastic result and you can all be very proud - even you slow-mo-catches-are-just-one-of-my-fortes-and-you-never-bloody-mention-them Fluffy.