Match Report - Elton Vale D

Editor's Note: Last week's shoddy season opener was a proper wake up call. But with a party on their minds, could our girls focus on business before the festivities or would there be more disappointment ahead?

Week 1 was not our finest moment. A poor start to the season with a limp defeat at the hands of St Mary's. One player in particular took the defeat badly, and when her charges failed to appear en masse for training* on Sunday morning, Fluffy wasn't a happy bunny. Indeed, such was her outburst that it will go down in legend as the moment when, according to one of her friends, she began "training to be a Nazi coach" ...

* which actually no-one knew about

With the sun blazing down, we turned up at Cromtpon Meadows with high hopes of getting a tan and tanking Elton Vale; I've not seen Byron this excited since the morning, many years back, when his Mum told him they were off to the Barber shop. Flush with anticipation of high couture and fashion itemries, you can imagine the disappointment of the 6 yr old Chris when it turned out he was getting a hair cut. Speaking of Byron, I'm fairly sure I overheard him asking Fluffy what a "hoe bag" was, and can you get them in ASOS*.

* This is a total fabrication, and was written prior to Tuesday night, during which - hilariously - Byron actually mentioned ASOS!

Following on from last week's canine minding theme, revelations emerged this week that young Danielle had been spotted walking the family dogs in her PJs. Quite how she got them onto the dogs I have no idea, but it did make for some interesting Facebook discussion among the Doodson clan. Perhaps Byron can give her some pointers.

The Meadows was also awash with cricketing action, as Watty and co had decided to hold an impromptu practice in the sun. In total jest I suggested that this may be no coincidence, and rather than letting it lie, young Michael made the cardinal mistake of suggesting the ladies may enjoy his presence. Well, after all - as the photo on the right clearly illustrates - our resident Jimmy Anderson lookalike is quite the chick magnet ...

OK to the action. Under glorious skies TSJ batted first, and got off to a quite dreadful start, with Jane, Trish and the Fluffster back on the sidelines almost immediately. Shell soon followed, despite suspecting that the ball to which she was dismissed may have been a tad high: the fact that she had to jump off to the top rung of a step ladder to reach it - and still only just made contact - was a bit of a clue. Still, them's the breaks, Skip. Meanwhile last year's run queen Vicky T was starting to get in her stride, and she smashed a couple of rounders to give the innings some momentum. Unusually it was some of the lesser renowned players who were giving the innings some momentum. Alex, whom I mercilessly took the mickey out of last week (sorry), was playing a blinder, dare I say giving Babe Ruth a run for his money in the power department. Sara added good support, and some useful points from Livvy really helped keep things going. Vicky continued to smack the ball to all parts and took the innings into respectable territory.

Then it was Elton Vale's turn. Big points for Alli almost immediately as she took up her tips position and swung effortlessly into the "Night Fever" pose suggested last week. Yay! Last week we were sloppy in the field, would this time round be better? The answer was initially mixed, with a few fumbles and misfields, but then the action picked up. Byron, Luxton Jnr (sporting ANOTHER pair of those "make my face look like a fly" sunglasses) and Big John had all arrived by now, which enlivened proceedings considerably. Indeed the banter with Johnny Boy was to prove a source of any number of comedy highlights, starting with a most detailed description of his weekend trip to Oxford which apparently included eating bison (or was it alpaca?). He also announced that he had - and I quote - "hand iced" Sara and Alli's birthday cake, which drew any number of admiring comments from the ladies present, and any number of sarky comments from the rest of us.

Back on the field, we managed to get through the rest of the EV team; Sara took a couple of catches, and Jane rounded off the innings with some decent work with the ball. Half time score 132-96 in favour of Totts, a healthy cushion it appeared.

And so to the second innings, and quite possibly the funniest 20 minutes at any rounders match EVER. Jemski, who had been scoring for the first innings, was substituted onto the field in place of Alli, who's been suffering from sore shins and was obviously struggling to walk, let alone adopt silly poses at tips. Sara shoutted over that she had "pimped John out" as a pressie to her teammate, so Alli came over to be checked over by our resident physio and cake decorator. I can't possibly remember everything but the conversation went along these lines ...

John: Right, where does it hurt?
Alli: Um, my shin
John: Which bit?
Doc : It's the bit between the foot and the knee
John: OK, does this hurt?
Alli: No
John: This?
Alli: No
John: This?
Alli: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
John: Right. Well it could be insert any number of preposterous made up medical names here e.g. Peroneal longus tendinitis. Are those the shoes you run in?
Alli: Well I wear them for rounders. The man at the shop said I had a normal gait.
John: And was he qualified?
Doc : The man at B&Q sold me a normal gate once ...
Alli: Er, it was that Bury sports shop, think it's a teashop now or something
John: Right, so you listened to him rather than any medical person? OK, it might be your foot posture
*Explosive laughter from various folk*
Doc : You've made that up haven't you. Foot posture?! Does she have one leg shorter than the other?
John: OK does this hurt?
Alli: No
John: This?
Alli: No
John: This?
Alli: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This carried on for about 15 more minutes.

Fortunately back in the real world the game continued, and Totts once again were struggling with the bat. Then step forward Vicky Turner and quite possibly the best rounders batting performance seen at Crompton Meadows since Michelle's mythical 89 ("more than you, Mother"). For 15 minutes she pretty much dominated the game, smashing balls under Fords, Vauxhalls, into a BMW, up towards the sign near the entrance to the field, and at one point quite possibly into someone's garden. All told she somehow clobbered about 100 points and 10 rounders - the amusing part was that almost all of them went in an identical direction, and no matter how many fielders Elton Vale put there she still found a gap. There was a classic point where she'd hit 4 rounders in succession and then next time only managed to get to third base, at which point we all roundly booed! Alex continued to lend admirable support with a pair of rounders of her own (Go, Popeye!), and Michelle made up for a first innings blip with several rounders too. This was a commanding total.

So with a whopping total accrued, surely this was going to be a march to victory? Er, not a bit of it. To their credit the visitors launched a spirited attempt at victory with some heavy hitting of their own; matters weren't helped with a couple of dropped catches and some dubious backstop fielding, which prompted Byron to launch into a quite legendary catcall of "TRISH, CLOSE YOUR LEGS". His later brothel-related comments are available on request. Of course, this sort of remark is amusing from the spectator gallery, slightly more amusing when shouted from the scorer's chair ...

We were definitely starting to wobble so it was with some relief that we managed to get the last few players out in quick succession as they attempted some slightly suicidal runs - by this point it was almost pitch black, and Luxton was still wearing her sunglasses ... the scores were tallied and despite a really good effort from EV, Totts ran out winners by 263-205.

Just before we proceed to the post-match party, here's a quick tribute to our new green-fingered hero.

Of course, much of the "occasion" today surrounded the birthday celebrations for SJD and Allisoni (whose birthday is actually next week so why the hell didn't we have two parties!?) ... Everyone pitched in and turned up with nibbles, drinks, snacks and party bites - normally at the Meadows we get midge bites, so that was a pleasant change. There was the usual assortment of crisps, biccies, WKDs galore ... and "houmous" which was "houmongous" (see what I did there, Madam Secretary? That's just my silly sense of "houmour"). And then the moment came. Fluffy got hold of a chocolate finger and scooped up a whopping amount of humous ... and downed the lot. "EWWWWWWWWW KATE", "BLOODY HELL, FLUFFY, THAT'S VILE" came the catcalls ... and then we all tried it. Oh. My. God. Johnny Boy, you can forget your bison stuffed with venison stuffed with pheasant, humous + chocolate finger = culinary perfection. Well done, Delia Caldwell.

Then came the other big moment; the lights went out and we sang 'Happy Birthday' as John brought out his hand iced, lovingly decorated cake. YUM. On behalf of everyone at Totty Sports Club, we wish Alli and Sara ...

See you all next week!