Match Report - Exodus

Editor's Note: Never attempt to "do a quad" before a rounders match, it'll just end in tears (or tears)

When I heard we were to play a match against Exodus, the pioneering thrash metal band, I was most excited; after all they were formed by Kirk Hammett of later Metallica fame and have a pretty storied history. Then I realised this was a bit like last year when we played St Anne's and I thought we were all off to the seaside, and it turned out it was actually Tottington St Anne's, who play 200 yards from our home ground, and well how disappointing was that when you've packed a bucket and spade and just fancy some candyfloss and a nice stick of rock? So not *that* Exodus then. Of course not.

In a bid to avoid a repeat of last year's cup debacle when we were unceremoniously dumped out at the first hurdle by Radcliffe Borough, a few folks gathered for a Tuesday night practice sesh - a key aim of which was to work on throwing; hopefully some of the pointers provided would help to improve what's been a fairly average set of fielding performances so far this season. Of course this being Totty it actually turned into a load of gossiping and discussion of John's new-found obsession with French pigeon fancying. "Ah, Monsieur Fairclough, vous aimez les oiseaux, n'est ce pas?"

Sadly absent from practice was club veteran Jane. At the cricket cup match on Sunday we got to hear all about Jane's terror at a recent cinema trip when she went to watch the horror flick "Insidious", which is about a possessed child - quite why that'd bother her is anyone's guess given the offspring she has ... ;).

Anyway, whilst it was pretty darn funny hearing how she was literally screaming in the cinema, the more amusing part was that she can't pronounce the film name - it ended up as something like "Insipidious" or "Indecipiduous" or something. To be honest I think she's referring to the forthcoming tree-related-horror flick "Deciduous" ...

Speaking of horror stories, we were also treated to a tale of how one of our girls had been out partying at the weekend and phoned her husband to collect her in Manchester ... and while he was en route, she was so drunk she'd forgotten she'd called him - and ended up jumping on the tram back home. Oops. Of course we're now under a court super-injunction and gagging order and we can't reveal who the mystery player was, but we can say she quite often sits on her sunglasses and her name's plastered all over Twitter. A copy of the injunction appears below.

So, finally, to the game. Byron, wearing sensible manly shoes this week, was once again charged with the responsibility of recording the score, though he did enquire if "Amelia" would take issue. After much head scratching we eventually realised he meant Alicia; it's only been 2 years, Byron, and if you forget, she actually has her name on the back of her car so you can't forget it! But more of the good Lord later ...

We completely suck batting first, always have, and this was no exception. Some ludicrously bad play (and some good bowling) saw us manage to complete precisely no rounders and the whole innings was over in about 5 minutes - thankfully Jemski, Sue and Alex managed to knock a few points otherwise this could have been a Westbury all over again. However, despite the incredible brevity, we did have one of the season highlights to date. Danielle has gone all girly this year and had her hair done up in a very posh and complex looking "do". So concerned was she with the appearance that every time she hit the ball and ran, she held onto it for dear life, seemingly more concerned with retaining her look than reaching the bases. This prompted mum Jane to shout the second best line of the year to date - this is reproduced on the T shirt, right, which we will be ordering in for next week.

As Totts took to the field, the supporters were subdued, but withing minutes we were raucously cheering on the girls - quite obviously Tuesday's practice had worked, as we fielded like demons, Michelle finally worked out that the optimum place to bowl is not 30 feet over the batter's head or along the ground but around neck height, and somehow we got 7 people out in 8 balls! Astonishing! Indeed, such was the quality of the performance that we had snatched a halfway lead, with the scores standing at 45-27 in favour of Totty.

Byron reappeared after his scoring stint and announced that he was not going to carry out duties in the second half. Instead he decided he was going to play ball with Macie Moo, who had just arrived ... I know this is slightly after the event, but if you're going to play catch with a small child, Chris, the key point to remember is not to hurl the first ball straight into her face ... Alli had arrived by now, and thankfully disappeared off to score the second innings. I say thankfully not because her company is unpleasant, not at all, but because the noises she was making eating giant-sized carrots and humous were audible halfway across Goshen. *schnomnomnom* *schnomnomnom*.

As the second innings began, we wondered if this might all be over in half an hour, but the girls seemed to have got the bit between their teeth this time. Presumably spurred on by the tremendous fielding performance, they hit their straps at last, and combined some audacious running with some decent shot positioning. Wayne continued to regale us with stories of Jane and horror films, but on the pitch the action was more comedic. Danielle once again carried on with her hair-clutching, indeed she somehow managed to score a rounder with her right hand firmly attached to her head. In addition to the T shirt, next week she'll be wearing the device pictured here.

Everyone was chipping in this time, but the big stars of the innings were undoubtledly Jemma and Alex who not only batted the longest, they also gave us an excellent last few minutes where they kept scoring points. The funnier bit was how knackered Jemski was getting, at one point she glanced over, made a throat cutting gesture and said something. Now I'm no lip reading expert, but I think she may have said "Gosh, Coach, all this running has left me extremely tired and I'll certainly be in need of a good sit down presently".

Having piled on a good score, it was then a case of hanging in and getting Exodus out again; despite a valiant attempt from the home side, there was once again a spurt of dismissals and the Trish (backstop) to Jane (first) throwing out combo was working brilliantly. The last pair copied our two's brave last stand, but in the end we ran out winners by almost 50 points, 135-86 (or so).

Everyone played well this week, but a big well done must got to skipper Shell who's had a horrid week but bowled absolutely fantastically. Jemma, Alex, Sarah, Danielle and others all batted well, and the fielding was top notch - after a few dodgy weeks, is this finally the point in the season where everything comes together? Keep it up, girls!

Now one question we get asked a lot* here at Report Central is about the creative process that goes into putting together a match report such as this one. It's a very complex issue, one which is probably easiest to explain graphically ...

[* never]