Match Report - St Mary's D

Editor's Note: Well, here we are again. Four months of fun and games, drunkenness and merriment await, with a hint of competitive rounders thrown into the mix. Let's see who we can offend week one ...

Readers of 2010's reports - and yes that number runs into double figures - will remember all too clearly that after some dreadful early season setbacks I put the girls onto a tough regimen; no drinking, smoking, men, crap food, etc. Dr P's "Five a day" proved massively successful, with the girls having their best season EVER. It's pleasing to know that in the off-season, my charges have been adhering to that strict plan in order to keep themselves in tip-top condition for the 2011 campaign ...

Before we move onto the match details let's cast a quick eye over our new recruits. Former celeb fan and "player for another team, but don't hold it against her" Jemma Hargreaves has become a TSJer for 2011. Of course, like all of the team, Jemski is utterly mad, as this recent facebook exchange with her dog, Chang, indicates ...

There are also some changes off the field. Your erstwhile report writer is now joined on the sidelines by Mandi, while the wonderful Lord Byron has toned down his ranting act in favour of a new hobby. At last week's friendly against Walmersley Ladies, Chris displayed a wonderful aptitude with Trish's young pup and has since started up his own canine minding service ...

Another feature of last week's friendly was seeing the results of a winter of hard graft. In particular, the newly-engaged Miss Walton has clearly been beefing her throwing skills up - she was already the Queen of the Big Arm, but now she's taken it to a whole new level ...

Now last season when we played at St Mary's on their patch there were notable incidents galore, not least Fluffy almost getting beaned, the portacabin affair, and a heap (literally) of comedy falls; would the 2011 encounter provide similar comedic potential. Let's find out shall we? Arriving at the ground Fluffy, Mandi and I had an immediate problem - how to actually get in. The field appeared to be surrounded by a high green fence. It was only when we shouted over to the rest that it was pointed out there was a rather nice big gap (of about 10 feet) right next to us. Oops.

After a brisk warm up, Totts took to the field first, and right off the bat (no pun intended), things were getting sloppy. Fumbles, a dropped catch, a couple of misfields, and 3 changes of bowler occurred within minutes, as we struggled to get anyone out. Big Arm took a neat catch, while the sidelines were enlivened by the arrival of Byron (sadly missing a contingent of canines) and Big John. Astonishingly, the good Lord announced that he'd "been gardening", which was something of a shocker - can one garden whilst bedecked in Barbour and aviator glasses and carrying a man bag*? We also noted that Jemski and Alli had clearly taken up Specsavers on a BOGOF offer, as both were sporting identical sunglasses best described as looking like the eyes of a giant alien lizard ...

* Note: entire contents of man bag ... pair of wellies and a bottle of Vimto.

Meanwhile SJD was regaling us with tales of the various injections and pills that she needs before her trip to Kenya in the summer. I promised not to reveal some of the side effects she will be suffering from, but suffice to say that some of the pills cause X to pour from the Y, and Byron, sat directly underneath her on the hill, had probably not chosen the most sensible vantage point. There was also a full and frank discussion of malaria tablets, where I urged her to go for the most expensive ones whereas Lord "David Dickinson" Byron said that the cheap as chips option would be perfectly ok. Good job one of us is a Dr, isn't it?

Unfortunately we then had to leave mid-first innings to go and cheer on The Mighty Shakers, so I missed almost the entire game. Not that one of these match reports actually requires any factual content or indeed any mention of the game itself, but thankfully I've been sent some details from our ever attentive spider taming secretary ...

"Scores were 108 - 66 to them first innings so we had to go back in then final score was 176 - 134 to them. We messed and didn't bring it...

Jemma made a lovely catch on her debut, I was the usual human target, and Jane and Trish had a slow-mo collision trying to get someone out at first. Unfortunately my brain was working too hard as scorer to remember many of the key points from the 2nd innings, there were a few rounders, I just can't remember who and Vicky put her first bid in for leading scorer in the 2nd with a rounder or maybe two."

So there you have it - on a negative side, a loss to a side we beat twice last year, but on the positive side, last year we managed to score a whopping 8 points against Westbury in two full innings: by comparison, this was not too bad! However, next week we all clearly need to step up our games, both from a supporting and playing perspective. Plus there'll be cake and masses of Blue WKD after the game in honour of some birthday girls ... we also need people to bring along nibbles, so quite obviously I'll be purchasing the finest hand cut crisps that money can buy whilst Byron will be down Home Bargains getting in the 40p tortillas ...

Final word goes to our "Tips" girl. Standing at the position known as "tips", just a few feet from the bat, can be a daunting challenge - but not for our Alli. Indeed, she adopts a stance so ludicrous that there's little question it unhinges the batters and puts doubt into their minds. Alli's promised to continue this ludicrous pose throughout 2011, but just in case she fancies a change, here are some other suggested stances she may care to adopt ...