Match Report - Elton Vale C

Editor's Note: GRRRRR!! The time for playing nice is OVER! We're off to Boot Camp

Top notch sporting achievement is down to a number of things. Of course, a natural talent is foremost, then there's determination, a good work ethic, and luck. But nothing can beat Preparation. And that, ladies, is key! If we cast our minds back to the frozen Arctic conditions just one week ago - a Tuesday night mash-up between the ladies and the cricketers; what lessons did we learn? Practice hard, prepare well, and above all, shout abuse at the opposition until they wilt. The next day? Total annihilation of Mandy's Girls.

10 minutes after this week's encounter with Elton Vale "C" (and before we go on, what's that all about? It's 3rd team! The only things that should be C are vitamins and bras) I was pulled to one side* by "Fluffy" Caldwell. In a finger-wagging manner probably best left at school, she asked me "how are we supposed to win without our coach on the sidelines? We needed you barracking from the touchline." Well, Kate, let me tell you - there's only so much one man can do. Once you step over the white line, it's in your hands (quite literally). Plus I kept getting drawn away to attend matters in the clubhouse (I'm looking at YOU, Allison "can of coke and a packet of crisps, please" Booth).

* if you sniggered at that comment, stand in the corner

And it all comes down to preparation. Preparation is key. Preparation is what saves you from embarrassment. Preparation is sorting your CDs into alphabetical order - and doing it correctly - so that when you want to impress your mates at a top flight home party and whizz on some Bon Jovi, you don't actually put on Brother Beyond. And whilst "The Harder I Try" is quite an apt song choice for this week's game, it still doesn't stop people pointing fingers and writing "You love Nathan! You love Nathan!" all over your pencil case does it? No.

So to the match. A disastrous first innings by Totts proved to be their undoing; after that all else would be difficult. A bad start is to winning rounders matches what a big earthquake is to door-to-door selling. A bit of a tricky one to overcome. The returning Deb Thomas put in a fine effort, and Vicky Turner also starred with the bat, being the last girl standing in both innings. But when you concede a 50 point lead first innings, it's tough!

To their credit, the Totts girls did reduce the deficit quite significantly 2nd time round, this time hitting their straps. Fluffy was again good behind the batter and I did spot Helen Vernon pull out a quite excellent catch at "tips" (btw, what's with the ridiculous names for fielding positions ... you don't get that in cricket - jeez!).

This week's Mars Bar award wasn't awarded, on account of their being no Mars Bars (see, what was I saying about preparation?), however the Snickers award went to Suzanne Thompson for her all round display. Personally I'd have given it to Chris "Lord Byron" for his jumper. There was also a fine moment where mother and daughter clashed. "I scored 82 last week you know". "I scored 90 once". "No you didn't". "Yes I did". "Well, I'm nearly 50". "I don't care, I'm almost 30". And on it went.

The post-match frenzy of butty noshing aside, we settled down to chew over the events, and another thing struck me. Lifestyles! Ladies, sort it out! If you want to become a highly-toned, super fit all-conquering badass team (you know, like us cricketers), you need to ditch the vices. So with that in mind, I've prepared my 5 Point Plan for success. Enjoy.