Match Report - Handley's Heroes v Meehan's Marvels

Editor's Note: The stuff of legend, a field of dreams, teams running high on adrenaline and Blue WKD. Awesome

The second annual Tottington Sports Club rounders gala day was a massive success. However, I think it's safe to say that in the weeks leading up to the event, a rivalry was brewing that was set to provide a highlight of the day - rounders skipper Michelle and her heroic rounders girls versus Dr P and his legendary invitaional XI. Battle lines were drawn, behind-the-scenes debates were taking place, secret liaisons formed, whispers, rumours, thoughts of surprise players ... and then after some hard negotiation it was decided we'd see who turned up and just pick two teams from there ...

From the rounders side, the girls were neatly split. Handley's Heroes featured Ally The Human Target, Veterans Jane and Trish and the Living Legend that is the wonderful Fluffy. Meanwhile over in Meehan's Marvels, some pretty sensational players had been assembled, including Jemski, the "Glamour Twins" Alex and Sara, Scary Vicky T and Roadrunner, Danielle. With our game scheduled to take place last, anticipation built throughout the afternoon ... the teams snarled and pointed, the captains stalked around in feverish anticipation, and Jane and Trish got very, very, very, very drunk indeed.

Unfortunately, both sides were stripped of a key player right before the match! Handley's Heroes lost The Living Legend that is Fluffy, but fortunately still had The Living Leg End, Danny. Meanwhile I was shocked to see Roadrunner disappear - my secret base-staling weapon! Fortunately I still had some pretty devastating players to call upon, including Kev and Abbers, cricket boys with no little rounders skill as it turned out.

With the usual rules dispensed with in favour of "33 good ball" rules (in which everyone bowls three good balls and fielding positions change constantly), high-scoring shots were on the agenda. The Heroes took to the batting crease first, amid much cat-calling and sledging from the other side. Would the girls crumble in the face of such tactics, or would they rise to the challenge? And would Trish stay on her feet long enough to reach any bases? The answer to that seemed quite unlikely. She'd already managed a quite spectacularly hilarious fall onto her sunglasses in the previous game, one of the funniest sights I've ever seen at Crompton Meadows. Of course, huge quantities of alcohol actually seemed to improve her batting, as she completed not one but two ridiculously amusing rounders! "Six, Paul, count 'em" she kept saying. Was that your score, Trish, or how many balls you were seeing?

The middle of the innings provided a genuinely great moment. Ally Booth came to the crease to be faced with fella Kev ("can we take your top off and paint a target on your back, please?" he said ...) at backstop, a snarling Abbers bowling and me at tips ... determined not to let us faze her Ally did the decent thing and drilled the ball straight to me for a nice catch. Thanks for coming, love! More hilarity ensued as we then got out Jane and Trish. An equally inebriated and very pink Wayne starred with the bat as Handley's Heroes ended with a respectable 84.

My superstars then took to the batting crease and almost instantly we were confronted by some ridiculous cheating from Danny and Jane, both of whom received resounding boos and even a chant of "off, off, off" for Jane for her antics. Outrageous behaviour. I loaded my heavy hitters with instruction to find the gaps and score heavily and from the get-go, we were off and running. Kev continued his sensational form, I banged a couple of rounders and then came what could well have been THE game-changing moment. Matt Abbers absolutely launched a shot high, wide and handsome. It hit the top of the tree, slowly made its way down through the branches, and while he managed to get all round the bases, the ball eventually plopped out ... straight into Michelle's hands. Of course she completely failed to observe the "one hand off the tree" rule we'd already agreed, but the umpire was having none of it and Abbers had to go!

With balls quickly running out, my troops launched a sensational late charge, with 3 or 4 rounders coming quickly. This was despite some ludicrous tactics from the opponents, who seemed to want to man- or womanhandle us to the ground! I instructed Sara to try some distraction techniques, but unfortunately her total lack of any sort of concealing clothing was putting us off just as much as the opposition! There was also a lovely moment as I came to the mat for the last time to be faced by Trish who was weaving and swerving all over the place. Fantastic.

So to the final reckoning and a sensational scoreline. Handley's Heroes 84, Meehan's Marvels ... 83! What a fantastic game, played in such brilliant spirit, and well done Shell ... you just did it!