Editor's Note: Due to the absolutely stonking performance and huge victory with a team decimated by injury and absence, there will be no mickey-taking whatsoever in this week's report. Honest.
In near-Arctic conditions at Crompton Meadows, it was a Tottington St Johns team devoid of a number of key players that took to the field for the 1st round cup match against Mandy's Girls. With a bumper crowd in attendance (7 spectators, 1 dog and Lord Byron with 8 layers of clothing, a picnic blanket and a scarf), Jane rallied everyone for a pre-match pep talk ...
The visitors took to the field first, and in the early going, the Totts girls seemed to be infected not only with their myriad ailments but also with a severe case of dropsy - a number of chances went to the floor; thankfully stand-in backstop Kate "Fluffy" Caldwell was playing a blinder - it may well be THE key position on the team and she performed admirably despite the icy win gusting through the Meadows and the memory of her "Butterfingers" performance from the previous night's mixed match fresh in her mind ...
After the early jitters, the TSJ Ladies finally settled and dismissed Mandy's Girls for a creditable 88. Not a bad first innings score, and with some of the Totts star batters missing, would it prove to be enough?
The answer proved to be an overwhelming "no". Totts were still batting about an hour later. In an absolutely corking display, the girls racked up the astonishing score of 267. Skipper Jane led from the front with an impressive set of rounders and indeed batted throughout the innings - she was in severe danger of passing out at several points, partly through her own sterling efforts but also from trying to keep up with her kids, who were just sensational. Michelle turned in another great effort, while Trish "39" kept chipping in with 2s and 3s. All the girls got in on the act, and there was an especially good moment when Jocelyn scored a rounder near the end to great cheers.
However, such was the performance of one Totts girl that it warrants, wait for it, a whole paragraph! Danielle Doodson turned in a completely astonishing batting display with around 8 rounders and countless other runs (I would post her score but it's still being calculated). Not only did she display great cunning by several times launching the ball towards - and through - the picnicking Byron and co., she also managed to steal several rounders by a mixture of quick feet, brazen cheek and sheer nerve to run right past fielders with the ball - I think there may even have been one time she went round twice for a bit of a giggle. Anyway, outstanding stuff.
There's a great deal of suspicion circling that part of the reason for her batting display was the presence of her boyfriend Zak. There was a high degree of "kissy face" before the match began and it's entirely possible that young Mr Gardner may have slipped her some performance-enhancing saliva. Hmmmm. Zak's middle name is Levi, you know ... typical how these young kids are attracted to brand names! There's absolutely no truth in the rumour that Danielle's other boyfriends have included people called "Lee", "Wrangler" and "Gap Skinny Boot Cut".
By the time the Totts innings eventually finished, we were all bloody freezing. Thankfully, new fielding supremo Kate "Lucky" Luxton suggested that in the future the team should employ "Personal Cuddlers". Form an orderly queue ...
After standing around for all that time, Mandy's Girls were overwhelmed in the second innings, adding just 36 to their first time tally. Once Totts had seen the back of Becky B, a girl who appeared to have emptied a packet of glittery stationery over her top, it was game, set and match (well, if there were games and sets, anyway). Honours second time round went to the likes of Allison Booth for some solid catching and a number of quite magnificent backstop catches from Kate. Michelle and Kate also combined to run out a number of girls.
All in all, a thumping victory and a superbly entertaining display from the girls, who continued their 100% record on home soil. Can't wait for next week! This week's teaser: following complaints, we're no longer able to refer to Steph Blackledge as "Trotter". You have until next Tuesday night to suggest an alternative!
And just remember, whether it's your pre-match warm up or post-match warm-down ... Everybody Do The Luxton!
Reports are brought to you by Dr P, who actually is a doctor, but not a medical one. He's a world expert in shocking puns, and songs with brackets in the title. Team roles include: Motivator, Coach, Navigator, Fluffy's Bat Repairer, Match Reporter and Comedian. He is available for childrens parties, bar-mitzvahs and any dance-related activity. (Testimonial from Jane: "now I fully understand why people believe genius to be closely related to madness"). All comments welcome to webmaster@tsjcc.co.uk.