Match Report - St Annes

Editor's Note: A rounders player, a cricketer and an Irishman walk into a pub. The barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

After last week's desperate defeat against Elton Vale, the season is effectively over, with promotion and relegation issues unlikely to affect the team; however there's still plenty to play for and points to be had, so hopefully the girls could do the business against St Annes. I had packed a bucket and spade and tucked away 80p for some candyfloss, but unfortunately due to a colossal dose of confusion, there was no seaside trip to be had, with the Saints newly relocated from the North Lancashire coastline to South Royds St, Tottington. Intriguingly the street was named after the first family to settle there. I'm sure everyone who has lived in Tottington for years will remember Mr and Mrs Royds, and their daughter, Emma (Fairclough^TM)

Please note that our newest celebrity supporter and boyfriend of SJD, "Physio" John, has a neat line in bad puns and wordplay to rival that of your reporter, so in his honour I've indicated his gags with a little trademark symbol, as above).

I received various messages asking where tonight's game actually was; once I'd got over the seaside gags, I started to wonder just what was going on: it's supposed to be the Yanks who have little geographical knowledge, not us Brits. There was a cracking exchange with John, who is after all a rounders novice (and also worryingly prone to talking to himself), but when Veteran Jane doesn't know where St Annes is you do start to fear for your sanity. Not only has she played for decades, the ground is 200 yards from her house!

I also took the opportunity pre-match to peruse various holiday photos from Allisoni, our broken flange girl, who's been on a whirlwind tour of the sights. Sadly she is still away, and we missed her desperately. Not so much for the rounders, but because she's such an easy target for banter. Anyway, here's a quick look at some of the photo highlights ...

But enough of such frippery - onto the game. Would the girls do the biz? Would we win the battle of Tottington. More importantly, could Michelle avoid the inevitable "Royd Rage" (Fairclough^TM - big points for John there for that gag). With Livvy, Helen and Allisoni all away, only 11 players were available, and so, just like last Saturday night's outing for Michelle, the team really was down to the bare bones. No possible substitutions meant that despite baking July heat, all 11 would have to stay the course! Oh yes, and my flippant comment about someone getting injured before the game came to fruition, with Sara "Sloppy Joe" Doherty appearing with a burned arm. Oh dear.

St Anne's batted first and right from the start it became clear that Totts were going to have a good night. There was sharpness in the field, everyone seemed right on their game, and Jane was throwing in drop balls like they were going out of fashion. There was even an occasion where she lobbed the ball so slowly that it looked as though time had stood still. The mesmerised batter watched helpless as the ball arced towards her, saw it bounce on the plate, then attempted an almighty whack, missed, and was run out by Trish. Impressive.

We were in prime position for spectatorage right behind the batters, though this did bring us bang in line with Michelle's wayward deliveries (I did initially put "wayward balls" but thought better of it). However the skipper wasn't needed first time up, as Old Mother Doodson was performing superbly despite an apparent shrinkage in the past week. Alex "Pick Up" Walton, Backfield Katie and Danielle were all bang on the money in the outfield too, with some great throws raining in when needed - the home side managed just one rounder in their first innings.

The gorgeous sun had brought out the spectators, with Lord Byron appearing in time for our first innings, together with Chris, who had apparently seen the photo I posted online and come down specially! The girls took to the batting with aplomb, and there was even a first point in weeks for Sara, whose starring role was yet to come. Katie managed a rounder, and with Debbie, Trish, Danielle, Sue, Michelle, and basically everyone getting amongst the points and rounders, we were all set for a huge lead. And then came the comedy highlight, noted clearly by all the spectators. Sara was batting and got run out at first base, and in the time it took her to walk over to where her fella was sat, she'd not only tossed her hair out in slow motion like a L'Oreal advert, she'd put on earrings and a dab of make up. John - you're worth it.

Indeed the interval score showed the difference between the sides, with St Anne's 52 dwarfed by Totts 104. Optimism was therefore high at halfway, with even the red-socked Byron enthused and positive. Last week's soaking and loss was swiftly being erased. We are traditionally stronger second half (I say this every week, don't I?), so with any sort of competent performance, surely this was two points there for the taking. However, in sport nothing can be taken for granted.

St Annes appeared more determined for the second innings, and started positively. We spectators were gradually retreating further and further back as balls started raining in on us, in fact at one point we were considering hopping over the barrier and into the recently-erected all weather play area. Unfortunately this was populated with a set of youths who appeared to have modelled themselves on the Backstreet boys, so we wisely stayed on the St Anne's pitch.

Anyway, stop digressing Doc. St Anne's began their second innings in determined fashion and it took quite a while before anyone was dismissed. Vicky produced one of the highlights of the night with a deadeye throw between the shoulder blades to dismiss a girl bearing down on second base, while Trish was giving her usual super performance at backstop. "Get them out quick so I don't have to do anything" Debbie was patrolling the field like a whippet; SJD took a cracking catch as well, which I did my best to miss. With a couple of excellent rounders taken, it seemed likely that Totts would have to bat again.

And so to the final innings. It was unclear just how many were required for victory, so a good performance was demanded by the skipper - who promptly ran herself out first ball going for the sort of ridiculous run her sister carries off so well. And yes, this was the innings which saw Danielle finally get back to her best, with two incredibly cheeky rounders, one of which was scored despite hitting the ball no more than 5 feet. It's quite amazing how she does it. Jane did her traditional "give a catch and applaud the opposition" routine, which is ridiculous considering no-one else applauds when she gets them out, and then there was a truly comical mix-up between Katie and SJD, which resulted in Katie getting run out at 3rd base. There was a proper "to me, to you, to me" moment as they couldn't decide which bases to go for, and sadly Katie had to leave the field.

With the innings starting to fade away, there then came probably the single greatest partnership of the season between the unlikely duo of Sue and Sara. I say unlikely because poor Sara, who doesn't half come in for some stick in these reports, has a career high score of about 2. Not only did she convert that into about 25 in this innings, she managed to hit the ball into her own nose, ear and also kept finding gaps in the field. Sue, meanwhile, was showing some astounding placement, with repeated shots over her head finding every possible gap in the backfield (though by the 5th or th time round, it was perfectly obvious to everyone watching where she was going to hit it!). The pair put on at least 50, probably more, and quite deservedly took tonight's Mars Bar award for this.

As a footnote to this partnership, it was apparent probably before they got going that we'd already won the game, and by the time they'd each got round a dozen times, John delivered possibly the line of the night. "Bloody hell Sara, can you get out, I want my tea!" Marvellous. Anyway the pair were quite brilliant, though how Sara coped with her burnt arm, injured ear and bent nose, heaven only knows.

The final score of 237-132 was a fair reflection of our dominance, though well done St Annes for putting up a brave 2nd innings batting performance and for persevering right to the end. And thanks to my colleagues on the sidelines for 2 hours of brilliant comedy, cheers guys.

Footnote: It's been brought to my attention that one of the team stalwarts hasn't been mentioned. I can't provide any names, but let's just say that the player who thought it appropriate to wear a non-TSJLR top which not only was a different colour but also had her name on it in colossal letters will be in for a barracking next time she plays. Oh and Fluffy, you are mentioned in the clicky bit below ... ;)

Whilst your reporter was away in Cambridge last week, thus sadly missing the Elton Vale loss, I was perusing one of the college libraries. In the antiquities section I stumbled across a dusty tome containing what appeared to be a collection of terms used in rounders over the years. I have reproduced them below for your education. Just click on a word to reveal its definition!