Match Report - St Mary's

Editor's Note: Allo mes amis et bienvenue de la report francaise pour notre enfant terrible, Madame Fluffy. OK, that's enough French. There was a game to be won!

Before we start, your reporter received a postcard from Paris from the Fluffster, detailing her adventures in the French capital. I enclose it for your viewing pleasure ...

Tuesday dawned a bit Marti Pellow, and so it was with some trepidation that I kept an eye on the dark clouds scurrying across the Manchester sky. To paraphrase Blackadder, Tuesday without rounders is like a broken pencil ... pointless. Mind you, some of the Totts batting has been pointless too, quite literally. That's actually very unfair, as the girls have done us all proud in recent weeks, with some quite sensational play. Would that carry on tonight, or could the Radcliffe side put a spanner in the works?

If you read the blurb at the bottom, you'll note one of my new roles is listed as "Navigator". That's due to the following exchange I had with Jane today. JD: "Do you know where the match is?" PM: "Yes I've printed off a map" JD: "OK, where is it?". The defence rests its case. Having said that, I managed to follow Kate to the game - and watched in amusement as she drove straight past the turning. And when we finally arrived, we were greeeted with a totally empty field and lots of blank expressions. Perhaps no-one actually knows where the St Mary's ground is? Ten minutes later the home side emerged from what appeared to be a portacabin by the side of the pitch. Quite bizarre.

There was a quality warm up tonight, with lots of fast throwing and some excellent fielding drills - and I then had a spectacularly painful close range throwing comp with the Fluffster. All good fun, and got us ready for the match.

I also conducted an in-depth interview with skipper Shelly prior to the game and she provided quite possibly the best quote in the whole history of rounders: "oh we're gonna bring it and send to boom town". Apparently, she's stuck rigidly to much of my 5 point plan this week so I can only suggest that rather than being drunk, she's been talking to cricket boy Scunners, who also uses such ludicrous expressions. Anyway, would her motivational words spur on the girls ... ? Let's find out!

Once again, the curse of the "missing referee" struck, and we were officiated by another opposition player ... and it must be said there were some quite baffling decisions. I prefer not to get into slagging off the officials. Frankly, anyone who wears jeans that look like they've been ironed on the front and back at far too high a temperature needs no further mention!

The first innings for both sides were dominated with no balls and scrambled runs, and a total absence of anything approaching a rounder. Frankly the highlight was the continual ringing of Trish's phone. Approximately every 5 minutes while we were batting, the strains of Take That's "Patience" rang out acros the field. This was massively ironic, as quite clearly the caller didn't have any.

At half time the scores were 83-80 in favour of the home side, thanks in no small part to some quite ridiculous no ball calls. Ahem. However, the girls have been very very strong in the second innings all season, and hopefully that would pay off in the same way tonight. There was one substitution at half time, the late arriving Ally Booth stepping in for Sara, who'd done well in the field. Ally had protested throughout the first innings about her tiredness - getting the excuses in early. Perhaps last week's comedy throwing moment was playing on her mind?

Totts took to the field for the second innings and quickly settled into a holding pattern. Trish took over at backstop, and there were some tactical moves around the field. Some absolutely excellent covering and throwing from the likes of Suzanne, Danielle and Katie kept the home team in check, despite a mad 5 minutes in which Shell did her now familiar "launch the ball 40 yards" bowling routine. St Mary's totalled around 80 again, thanks to some interesting calls and a few lusty blows from a girl wearing a Jonas Brothers 09 jacket. I tried desperately to get a photo but alas it wasn't to be ... however, there were two magical moments, where first Ally fell over, and then this was topped by Danielle who did an absolutely unbelievable pratfall in the outfield to general mirth (well, Lord Byron was particularly amused).

And so to Totts innings, and one which really stood out as containing several of the comedy highlights of 2010 so far. At the team talk, Jane stressed the importance of "keeping the ball down" and "not taking any risks" ... and then strode out for the first ball of the innings. I've captured the moment below.

The shot not only entered the outer atmosphere, it was positioned absolutely perfectly. All 11 St Mary's players converged, some spectators wandered in, there were even a couple of people who came out of their houses to watch ... and the ball dropped magnificently right between the lot. Jane scooted round to 3rd base to catcalls from the supporters and general hysteria. This set the tone and within 10 minutes, we'd scored numerous rounders - Fluffy, Danielle, Shell, Suzanne, Katie all went round, while there was heavy scoring in general. One of the stars of the innings was Helen, who'd previously been quiet. She was excellent! And Ally scored 0.

The match highlight for me - and probably most others - was Fluffy's avoidance of a ball bowled straight at her head. Poor Kate ended up floundering on the ground, as did half her teammates in hysterics. Just fabulous. Again, it's recreated below.

So to the final reckoning and once again the ladies came up trumps. Victory was achieved by around 40, with scores of 204ish to about 160. Here at Dr P Reports we don't bother with the actual detail. Many congrats to the ladies for - once again - a hugely entertaining night, a brilliant team performance, the best team spirit of the year, and some quite magnificent individual moments that I hope I've captured for you. Onwards and upwards!