Match Report - St Mary's

Editor's Note: This week I've founded the Society for the Discussion of Misheard Meat Loaf Lyrics. The idea came to me when I saw a pair of dice by the dashboard light

Tonight's clash with St Mary's was the last league rounders match to be played at Crompton Meadows in 2010. I think we can all agree it's been a blast and a half, with new friendships forged, hard-fought victories galore, a couple of howling defeats, thunderstorms, blazing sun, and ranting and sarcasm by the veritable bucketload. Not to mention the odd broken flange. Could the girls end their home campaign on a high, or would struggling St Mary's throw a spanner in the works?

Team news first, and spirits in the camp were bolstered with the return of the tanned and vibrant Fluffy, who had returned from her sun, sea and dreamy holiday in fine fettle. Alas, her return coincided with the absence of one half of the Glamour Twins, SJD, who has jetted off for sunnier climes, leaving behind her distraught Twin and even more distraught squeeze, John, who has already descended to wearing his mum's slippers (apparently). The team had a decidedly healthy look about it, except for skipper Shell, who celebrated long and hard at the weekend, and still looked rather peaky (she didn't actually, but hey, she's used to my insults by now).

Spectators were out in force, with the ever-present Byron (in absolutely astonishing rant form) joined on the side by the lovely younger Luxton, just back from her short stint as fielding coach with the Pakistan cricket team ... I asked what time the fish and chips were arriving this week, but sadly she had to make do with flapjack - from a gift bag no less: "It's always served in a bag at Tesco", commented Byron, snobbily, completely ignoring the fact that he works at M&S, where even the receipts come in a presentation case.

Onto the game, and Totts batted first, and soon began racking up points like they were going out of fashion. Debs fell early, but almost everyone was putting in the hard yards. Sue, Livvy, Fluffy, Alli (who got a rounder to general delight!), Jane, Michelle, well actually everyone was in cracking form: Katie hammered a couple of rounders, while the star of the innings was feisty Vicky, who put in a real tour de force performance - surely must have challenged for the season's individual high score. My goodness she was walloping it miles. The St Mary's girls were struggling to cope with the notorious Tottington slope down towards the cricket pitch, and any number of rounders came from that direction.

There was also a remarkable moment early in the innings where we scored a rounder courtesy of the ball being launched towards the edge of the pitch where a particularly lively dog gathered the ball and sprinted off with it. To be fair, we'd have got the rounder anyway, but in this case not only did we collect 6 points but also a ball covered in drool.

Back on the side, much merriment was had every time someone shouted "Two Up" or "Three It" or something similar. I can't actually recall quite why this was so funny, but it seemed it at the time. As the innings finally ended after Vicky somehow smashed the ball into her own eye, much delight was had in the fact that we'd possibly scored our highest first innings score of the season ... we would find out after St Mary's batted.

And so to the fielding, and let's start by handing out a great deal of praise to one individual. Trish "the Terminator" Greenwood has been excellent at backstop all year (despite being put under pressure for the position by Fluffy, who was really, really good there too), and in the past few weeks she's shone. Tonight was possibly the best effort of all, as she worked brilliantly in tandem with Michelle at first base to run the first 5 batters out in identical fashion, and then launched into a series of lethal throws which peppered the running batters - one poor girl was caught on the back of the neck, while another copped one right on the gluteus maximus! Indeed it led to my comment along the lines of "I bet fairground coconut shy operators close their stalls when they see Trish approaching" - this was not especially funny in itself but it provoked an outbreak of near hysteria from Luxton Jnr, which was particularly amusing.

As conditions underfoot became increasingly muddy, it's also only fair to comment on some superb ground fielding; there were a number of excellent pickups in the field, I noticed quite a few from Katie, Danielle and Flufy in particular, and the catching was also good tonight (when necessary!). Jane was bowling really well too, and there were very few no balls, even when Michelle was introduced into the attack!

The mid-innings break arrived, and there was quite a delay as the scorers tried to work out just how many Totts had scored. Byron launched into a diatribe about how difficult it is to keep track, to which I retorted that it must be difficult to add up all those 1s and 2s, which then wound Mr Angry into quite the rant about player names and confusion over subs and the like. I swear that boy just needs a key in his back - wind him up and let him go! He suggested I should score one week - it's a deal, Chris ... if you write the report!

The scores eventually arrived, and with a highly impressive margin of 164 Totts, 48 St Mary's, the visitors were put back into bat. It seemed pretty likely we'd be taking the points, the question was could they rally and make us bat again, or would we finish the job quickly?

The answer to that arrived very quickly, with several players dismissed right at the start of the innings. Katie and Livvy both took good catches in the outfield, and with the Terminator, Jane and Michelle again combining superbly, the heart was ripped out of the batting. "Big Arm" Alex had by now been introduced into the game, and there was a cracking moment when the ball was hit towards her and she was virtually knocked off the ball by Vicky and Michelle who were vying to get to it first. However, Big Arm did have a part to play as she took the catch which ended the innings and secured an innings victory for Totts by the highly impressive margin of 164-84.

Trish was announced as player of the match for her remarkable work (not to mention almost decapitating one of the opposition), and then it was back to the pavilion for some rather tasty butties, and Alli announcing that having 4 kids in tow is a tremendous method of contraception. Thanks, mate. Congrats to all the girls for a clinical game: the first innings batting was excellent, the team spirit was top notch as always, and there were any number of fine individual performances. Brilliant effort!