Rumour Mill

Rowdy Hill A collection of rumours and myths surrounding the players, followers and legends of TSJCC. Some of what you are about to read is true, other parts are complete fabrication. What is true, and what is not? YOU decide!

Club developments planned for early 2010 include a paved patio area next to the pavilion, a car park, and the Richard Peacock Bluebell Garden.

Rowdy Yates has answered intense speculation as to what exactly he has been sticking up his jumper this season: "It's a different object every week - items next year will include a beach ball, a coffee maker, and the entire DVD box set of Harry Potter."

Following his astonishingly drunken performance during the 2006 Vikings pub crawl, Bobby Loomba is all set to make his next public appearance ... in May 2024.

Irony is clearly not lost on the NMCL. It has taken Rowdy 5 years to work out the correct order of "Chew", "Moor" and "Brook". Having finally cracked it, the club's been renamed Westhoughton 3rd XI - or, as Rowdy prefers to say, "Westhoughton 11 3s"

Plans to install sky+ at the clubhouse were finally stymied this week when Graham Fletcher ran out of trees to chop down.

Following the arrival of yet more male offspring, the club has released ambitious plans to create a team composed entirely of Parkinson, Brooks and Meehan kids. It is expected the side will compete initially against the Graham Jebb 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th teams.

The club's previous youth recruitment drive in 2006 proved a great success, with Pete Allen (late 40s) and the 82 year old Duncan Phillips arriving at Totty. The club proudly expects similar success in 2010, and is installing a stairlift just in case.

Following shocking allegations that he is number and statistic obsessed, Paul has pointed out this is only true in 74.2% of his appearances to date.

Hot on the heels of Marshy's popular new kit sales, Micky Jones is launching his own clothing range for 2010. If you'd like a leopardprint thong, please see Jonesy asap.

Big Bird Russ Brooks is a monster in all departments. He was recently approached during a night out and asked if he was "all in proportion". "Madam," replied Russ, "if I was all in proportion, I'd be 9 foot 6!"

Our players have lent their name to many famous products. There's Smiffy's fancy dress supplies, Yates' wine lodge, Phillips electricals, Walker's crisps. "Unfortunately we were unable to ask the Moriartys to endorse us", said a spokesman for "Kalms".

I Will if You Will Biffaward

Beryl Avenue, Tottington, Bury, BL8 3NF
Twitter: @TottySports