TOTTY GOES WOKE

TSJCC has a proud history in leading the way in modernising the image of cricket. From the adoption of a women's team some years ago and the establishment of separate changing rooms to the concerted efforts to weed out any perceived issues of diversity or lack of inclusion, we have an enviable record in this area.

But we can do more. We must do more.

In April 2023, we will be implementing a number of additional changes which will see us truly push to the forefront of the modern way of thinking, embracing "woke" culture and all its modern innovations. Here are the key developments you can look forward to ...

• Establishment of two club "Woke Champions" who will spread a message of unity and adherence to these new inclusive and progressive ways and will be warm and welcoming at all times. We're delighted that Kieran Coe and Al Vernon have volunteered to be our first two leaders
• Creation of "safe spaces" which will allow players and spectators to take a timeout should things get too much for them at any time. If anyone requires a break, they should head either for the land in the middle of the Island Lodge or Frankie Brockway's living room
• Should a woman female owner of a vagi non-cis-male gendered person bring out a refreshing beverage during play, on no account should comments such as "Nice jugs, Sharon" be used. It is very offensive indeed both to the recipient and any wokes within earshot. We must insist now that you use a much more appropriate turn of phrase such as "Nice cups, Sharon"
• All "male" individuals must adhere to a grooming code and carry exactly TWO items of make up or haircare products with them at all times. While this means that many of our players will need to add to the contents of their kitbags, Mike Watts will need to remove approximately 47 items
• NO MORE USING LATIN IN YOUR TEAM TALKS, DOC P. It's not big and it's not clever
• Any excellent catches during a game are to be greeted with teapotting and a unified shout of "Yaaas Queen" from all players
• The use of outdated measuring systems will end shortly. Wickets will now be prepared to a length of 2011.68 centimetres and you can order a refreshing 0.568 litre drink at the bar. You will also have to pay Clive your matchday subs in Bitcoin via Whatsapp 48 hours before each game or your name will be posted online for everyone to see what a naughty boy (or girl) (or other) you are
• Outdated, rude or sexist nicknames will be banned. From April 1st, Richard Peacock will no longer be known as "Dickie P" due to the perceived connotation of a slang term for genitalia. He is now to be referred to at all times as "Penis P"

In unrelated news, Dasher Deegan has been banned from using the club's Whatsapp.